Body Size as Blessing

artist: Noora K, age 16, Finland

This morning in the tub I thought, hey, after all those years of having a large body, I finally have one that can be completely submerged in a tub full of water. No belly and boobs emerging into the air. Pretty cool. I don't recommend the weight loss method, but it is enjoyable to have a body that can completely soak in warm water without my going to the hot tubs.

What that submerged body looks like is quite another matter, unique in my well fed, always trying to lose weight life. My body is now a deeply wrinkled and creased bag of skin.

Seriously we are so screwed up about what constitutes a healthy body, so certain that thinness is preferable. I remember reading that a woman entering older age is somewhat better off carrying a little extra weight. I see now how having a bit of bod can start one out on an illness or other stress with a resource to help you get through it.

Definitely we are not talking about obesity. After years of nursing and care giving, I am very aware how difficult it is for the patient and the nurses to keep an over sized body comfortable and healthy. Everything--toileting, skin care, mobility, everything--is more difficult and may require special equipment to avoid injury to the patient and the care giver. I strongly recommend maintaining a healthy weight.

However, I am seeing the other side of this picture. During this illness and during the devastating side effects of chemotherapy my body has wasted. I now don't have an ounce of unneeded fat, but I also do not have enough muscle mass. Muscle, when it is adequate will allow me to move, walk, sit, stand, and do tasks without the pain that comes from muscle strain.

I made choices, which included miscalculations, about how to deal with it when I first realized that the chemotherapy, by contributing to demineralization of my bones, had caused compression fractures in my spine. I was in pain at the time, not only from that, in fact possibly not from that at all, but I set about immobilizing my back--resting in correct positions keeping my back straight, resting more, staying off my feet. I did do a few exercises to try to keep the muscles functional. The exercises I did were seriously not enough. I was ill and did not do them regularly. I could have, but I did not. I went often for much of every day into a drifting mindless state, and during a week I might remember to do bed exercises twice for a few minutes. Hardly adequate.

Suffering from the weakness eventually defined itself, and I recognized that I have a very big task in front of me. It got so that shuffling across the house to go to the bathroom was enough to make my back ache. Muscles I wouldn't think of were affected. My handwriting became shaky, my bladder weakened.

The good thing is this is something I can do something about. Affirming that I am healing from my disease, then the task of building my body back becomes very near the top of the list for daily activities. Working carefully I'm getting to where I can do a little "workout" and then rest. I can take a walk.

I've seldom been a disciplined person. I'm still not. This is not discipline, it is motivation, it is hope, it is intent. It's something to do, too. You may be able to imagine how boring it is to be sick. To have just about zero energy for activities, and on top of that to be plagued by the notorious "chemo brain" so that even mental activity becomes null and void.

So in my sudden maturity, suddenly having a body that shows its age after a lifetime of seeming younger than I am, there is this brand new thing. I've become a body builder.