Journey of Souls

My current circumstances--the life and death health challenge of "cancer"--prompted me to reflect on what I've been doing here on Earth. If I take my incarnation seriously, particularly if I regard it in the light of being one in a series of lives on Earth that I have considered and chosen during my time in "heaven" between lives, there arises a pathway of remembrances and unveiling's of, at least, who I have been in this lifetime. Also I see possibilities of some of the more obvious close connections I have had. Perhaps I'll go into that at a later time, for now I just enjoy the new understanding of some very wonderful things that my life has held.

When I first knew of this diagnosis I looked into myself for the answers to "why did I manifest this possible fatal disease in my body?" "Am I done with this life?" "Am I that tired of it, that frustrated?" "Have I failed darkly at fulfilling the possibilities of who I am?" At times in my fairly recent past I have had some of these thoughts consciously, I've gone through dark periods of believing exactly that--that I had failed, let slip away opportunities to do some big wonderful thing in this life time.

My friends, and teachers, on this journey with me, have reminded me that this life is not about "doing," that it is simply about "being." Odd, at times I have been given the feedback that simply being with me has been good for someone, helpful, a blessing. I didn't take that with a lot of ego. At times I found it frustrating, because I was searching for what I should be doing, and one of the requirements was that I be doing something that would support me financially as well as be a blessing to others. I've gotten quite hung up in my life, in my entire life it sometimes seems, trying to solve this dilemma without giving up certain qualities that I hang on to. I want time in my life for reflection, I want freedom to go away, visit, be other geographical places, spend time with my children (always, since they were babies and still now!) I held out for jobs that would give me some of this, jobs that I hoped would leave me time for creativity and for community involvement...if not actually be the vehicle for those pleasures.

This is all looking different to me now. My perspective has changed. With meditation, prayer, reflection, music, reading, visions of my life have been flowing through me, remembrances of who I have been at times in my life. Great wonderful blessings are coming to me. For example there is a time in my life that I have sometimes wished to have continued, have wished I could have back, have considered 'the best years of my life.' When that time of my life comes back to me now, in clear, clear, images, I realize that it never ended--it didn't start and then stop--it is still part of my life, as if it always was and always will be. The "bad" things that happened during that time are almost amusing, or are intensely interesting, just part of it all.

In terms of being who I am, who I came here to be, I see that I am who I am. I'm no longer unhappy with it, I no longer feel I failed. I'm aware of many recent years of a sort of black out, a not actively engaging with life, a drifting which I sometimes think of as weariness and sometimes think of as laziness. My diagnosis has held up a mirror to me, asking, "Oh yes? You think you're tired of it all? You think you're done? Well here's the door, want to go through it? Want to bail?"

Quite suddenly, given that opportunity, I don't even see it as being a door, I have no sense that I'm anywhere near going through it. I'm still here. I'm being lifted out of any disappointments in which I've been wallowing. I'm curious what lies ahead. I'm curious what the next manifestation of me being me eternally is going to be during the time I have left on Earth.

Kate

PS: Some of these reflections have been facilitated by my reading Journey Of Souls; Case Studies Of Life Between Lives, by Michael Newton, Ph.D.